


‘I’ve got bad news, if bad could equal a dinosaur creating mayhem in Central Park (don’t ask)’ situations

by lulue79



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Spies & Secret Agents, loosely inspired by Despicable Me 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23500579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulue79/pseuds/lulue79
Summary: Tony spun on his chair with one foot, a bored sigh escaping his lips. Rhodey was on a super-secret mission, courtesy of SHIELD, and while Tony was usually the Q to his Bond, Fury had judged him “too much of a fucking diva” (his words) to be allowed on that one.___Or: Tony is trying to save the world and enlists the help of Loki, retired supervillain, to do it.Now COMPLETE
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 13
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

Tony spun on his chair with one foot, a bored sigh escaping his lips. Rhodey was on a super-secret mission, courtesy of SHIELD, and while Tony was usually the Q to his Bond, Fury had judged him “too much of a fucking diva” (his words) to be allowed on that one. Which left him all alone in his office, with no new shiny tools to invent and no one to bother, _bored out of his fucking mind._

And everyone knew Tony and boredom were a nuclear explosion two seconds from happening.

“Mr. Stark, if you are too busy, I can swing by later.”

“Pepper, light of my life and apple of my eyes!” Tony exclaimed, stopping his movements to discover Pepper standing in the open door-frame, a teasing smile on her lips. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be spying on A.I.M.?”

“Shouldn’t you be creeping on your crush?”

“First off, it’s not creeping. The guy is a criminal, and I’m doing my civic duty. Second off-”

“I’m noticing you didn’t deny the crushing part.”

“ _Second off_ , _”_ Tony insisted, ignoring her – frankly insulting – remark, “he is celebrating his kid’s birthday. Even I have standards. Now, answer my question.”

Her smile turned grim, and she entered his office, delicately closing the door behind her. On her way in, her foot made the quick sign they had developed together with Rhodey to warn for ‘I’ve got bad news, if bad could equal a dinosaur creating mayhem in Central Park (don’t ask)’ situations. “I was pulled off; some new information came to light.”

“Well then, look at that: free holidays for you, isn’t that grand!” Tony switched two buttons on the gadget next to his computer – a perfectly normal cracking machine supplied by SHIELD to all their engineers - discreetly typed a code on his phone, and opened a side program on the computer. None of that did anything except distract any goon that might have been told to ‘keep an eye on him’ as JARVIS – already implanted on the computer eons ago, _thankyouverymuch_ – took the necessary minute and twenty-eight seconds to turn his workshop more secure than the oval office.

“Done,” he said as he turned back toward Pepper. He saw her shoulders lose some of their tension, and swallowed. “Come on, don’t keep me waiting. This suspense is going to kill me.”

“A.I.M. has been developing a serum to genetically modify humans into super-powered beings, and the formula was stolen two days ago by an unknown party,” she said in a rush. Tony didn’t have the time to react before she dealt the mortal blow. “They sent Barnes and Rogers.”

“What?” he hissed, “why the fuck did they send the two wonder boys to deal with A.I.M.? Rhodey and I have past history with them. We _know_ them, we would be much better suited to this mission!”

Pepper raised a warning eyebrow at his increasingly shrilling tone, but didn’t comment. “I know that. Why do you think I’m here?” For the first time since this conversation began, she lost her perfect composure. “Look, Tony. They sent Rhodey away on the same day I found out. And they must already know that I came to see you. You don’t have much time, so whatever you’re going to do? Do it quick.”

She turned on her heels, leaving without waiting for his answer.

No matter, he knew exactly what he was going to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony parked his car a few blocks away from his destination. There was no way SHIELD had followed him: Tony was the best engineer on their payroll, and JARVIS was inside every computer, blocking signals from cameras and delaying transmissions from receptors. They just didn’t have the skill set to find him if he wanted to keep a low profile. But it wasn’t SHIELD he was wary of.

He got out and strolled through random streets, acutely aware of the cameras following his moments – he would know, he used them on a regular basis. But he successfully reached his destination, triggering none of the traps he had sometimes seen sprung on threats and annoying people.

He knew his target well, and he knew with certainty that trying to enter through the front door – or any other hole that could be used as a direct entrance – would result into a fiery and painful death. But careful and constant observation allowed him to discover an emergency exit that took off into a park a block away from the house. It was usually used by those odd, but curiously endearing green shapeless _things_ to go shopping or to resupply their ice-cream bottomless stocks.

It was a direct entrance to the house of the greatest criminal having graced Earth this century – and according to Tony, any other century – and the only weak point of the fortress. If it wasn’t in SHIELD files, it was hardly Tony’s fault. He tended to be a bit forgetful, after all, and anyway he wasn’t the only agent supposed to be watching the villain.

(If he had made sure that none of the street cameras pointed to that spot in the square ever again, well. This was between him and JARVIS to settle.)

Tony sneaked in through the secret entrance, and after that, it was an easy cruise. The inside was like nothing Tony had imagined he would find. The long tunnel he followed opened on a massive cave, filled to the brim with separators and condensers. A chemist’s wet dream. Colorful liquids were swirling inside them, mixing together with various bubbling and rainbow effects, only to be sent toward a large machine... were those jars of jam?

Whatever, he had finally entered the home of the infamous Loki Laufeyson.

He had a slight fright when he realized that there were actually _hundreds_ of those weirdie greenie little thingies, but they were too busy partying to pay him much attention, and Tony could proceed to the upper levels without interruption.

The entrance to the workshop – and it _had_ been a workshop, if a tad different from his – apparently gave into Loki’s living room. It finally explained why JARVIS had detected interferences from the bear statue in his various scans of the house, as the elevator had been hidden inside, and Tony rather suspected there were several more entrances scattered across the building, least of all the office and the master bedroom. It was smart: even if one room was compromised, they could still flee from another.

At this hour, Loki would be putting his kids to bed, and would only come down after having read them a bedtime story. He had twenty to forty minutes to wait, depending on how difficult Jörmungandr decided to be. Tony settled on the couch and grabbed one of the books lying around – something about parenting skills.

“Did you know babies are born with a hundred billion brain-cells?” Tony exclaimed as he used one of his inventions to reflect the freezing ray targeting him – the Light Operator and Knuckles Inflector, or L.O.K.I. if one needed to be quick – without looking up, his eyes glued to the page he was reading. He shifted to the left, humming even as another curse exploded against the cushion next to him. This book was just full of surprise!

“Who are you? How did you enter?”

“Right!” he closed the book with a resounding _clap._ He had someone to impress. “Tony Stark, agent of SHIELD. I’m a big fan of yours, I especially loved it when you unleashed dinosaurs in Central Park last year – I was able to ride a hadrosaur from home to work for weeks before the law enforcement rounded them up. You know, the duck-billed one? Tall like a house? Orange and scaly?” he added at Loki’s bewildered expression. It didn’t suit him, but at least the man had stopped trying to turn him to dust. Thankfully, he seemed to regain his – quite delectable – composure quickly enough. The man readied another spell, and Tony’s gaze fastened on the play of his muscles as they tensed under his silky shirt.

“And what could ‘ _SHIELD’_ want with me?” His sneer was so wicked and magnificent, Tony wished to bottle it, if only to show it to Fury. He also wanted to kiss it senseless, but business came first.

“Recently, an entire top-secret lab disappeared from the Arctic Circle. They were conducting scientific research funded by A.I.M. in order to develop a super-soldier serum, capable of turning any human into a killing machine. I believe you can imagine how disastrous such a thing would be if it were to fall between the wrong hands?”

Tony shrugged when Loki didn’t answer, bar a raised eyebrow and a threatening green glow on his hands, and continued. “SHIELD has decided that such matters had to be resolved as swiftly as possible, and that all means necessary should be used. I came here to ask for your help: as a master criminal, you have inner knowledge of the minds behind this theft, which would greatly speed up the investigation. Of course, you will be greatly rewarded for your efforts.”

The secret to tricking a trickster? Say the truth, and nothing but the truth; anything else would be noticed for the lie it is.

But Loki shook his head, and Tony’s hopes came crashing to the ground. “I will not help you. I’m a father now. I run a very legitimate business. My kids come first and I won’t risk getting killed in the name of your organization.”

“Oh,” Tony said with a small voice. Then he straightened and hardened his heart. “In this case I am afraid you do not leave me a choice. I am one of the agents assigned to your surveillance – the best, really. Which means that I noticed several things, like the entrance to your lab right in the middle of the park three blocks away; with no legal permit, nor subjected to property taxes. How long had it been? Fifteen years?” he asked lightly, the threat implied but not unheard. Yet, Loki showed no sign of bending, and Tony had no choice but to deal the killing blow. “Or Fenrir’s recital happening in some nice, secluded community center in three weeks. How terrible would it be, if it were to flood. Or explode.”

“You little…!” Loki hissed as he threw several spells in a row. Tony dodged two of them, reflected the third toward the ugly Chinese vase on his left and ducked under the last.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you! For now, this information has been kept secret from my superiors, by respect for your work and your privacy. But should anything happen to me… I have several fail-safes.”

Loki stopped his assault and Tony straightened his ruffled red suit and golden tie. He watched warily as the man kept clenching his fists, a rictus of hatred on his face. Tony had probably ruined any chance he had at a relationship with the man – though hate sex was still on the table. He ignored the way his heart tightened at the thought: he has made his choice. There would be no going back.

“If _one_ strand of their hair is out of order…”

“Then I will gladly receive any punishment you deem appropriate.” He fished a card from his inner pocket – his personal contact info, not SHIELD’s – and handed it smartly to Loki. “Meet me at Paradise Mall tomorrow at nine.”

Without waiting for an answer, he strolled out of the house – by the front door, this time. And if he collapsed in his car, cursing up a storm at the disaster first impressions were, well… there was no witness to prove anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bit about Tony riding a dinosaur to work was inspired by a really awesome fic, but I have been unable to find it. So if you can remember a fic where Tony thanks Loki for one of his prank because it allowed him to ride _something_ (I think it was a unicorn? maybe?) to work, please tell me, because I would love to read it again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some might have noticed the number of chapters has increased. Well, it grew plot - which is kind of a curse with me. I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore.  
> Anyway. Here you go, enjoy!

“Stark, do you wish to lose your hand?”

Tony’s fingers brushed one last time against the fit forearm covered by a silky green shirt before sliding down to tangle with the long and slander fingers of his 'boyfriend' _._ “Need I remind you we are a couple?” He asked with a blinding grin. His face morphed into a pout. “You should be kinder to me, _honey._ People are watching.”

“You insufferable little…” Loki grinned sweetly and his fingers clenched around Tony’s. He winced. He was is _so much shit._ “Fine, _sweetheart._ Which shop did you want to visit first?”

“According to SHIELD, the thief fits the same M.O. as other major thieveries dating a few years back. Profilers worked their asses off, blah blah blah. I’ll spare you the boring details. Anyway, we are pretty sure the thief uses a respectable, high-end cover to hide their less than legal activities; so let’s start with the most esteemed and the most expensive shops.”

Loki hummed, “Designer clothes shop, starred restaurant and-”

“-the best macaroon shop in New York city,” Tony finished for him. Loki smirked, and Tony could feel a fucking bison herd trampling through his intestines.

So. Much. Shit. 

“What are we wanting for!” He heroically ignored the odd pitch of his voice and dragged Loki toward the long, _long_ line at the shop entrance. He bit his lips, but refrained from skipping the line. Unusual, but they _were_ meant to be undercover.

“Since we have so much time, let’s play 20 questions. Come on, I’ll even start easy!” he added when Loki glared at him. “Favorite color? I bet it’s green. It’s green, isn’t it?”

Tony pretended to ignore the muttered _Hell no._ and decided to focus on the fact that Loki had spelled away the twenty or so people who had been in front of them and was now striding confidently – and oh so hot – toward the shop entrance. He hurried to his side and let his hand claw into his strong forearm.

“ _Discretion_ ,” he hissed. “It’s difficult; trust me, I know. But this was the worst possible way to handle things. We are both well-known persona in each of our circles. There is no way the people we are looking for won’t recognize us!”

“Because acting so out of character would be any better. Didn’t you say you were a superspy?”

Tony opened his mouth to explain that he was usually acting behind the scenes, which, in his humble opinion, was the most important job, _thankyouverymuch,_ and that he had guided Rhodey often enough to know how to conduct an investigation, even if he has never actually been on terrain per se. But Loki took one look at his face before shaking his head. “Don’t bother, I don’t care. Now shut up and act in love; it’s our turn.”

Tony lightened his grip and plastered his side against the length of Loki’s body, just as he had longed to do from the moment he had seen him, clad tight in dark leather pants and a metallic green shirt. “Oh _darling,_ ‘acting’ is _not_ the issue here.”

Unfortunately, he felt Loki stiffen under his hold, making their position difficult to enjoy. He opened his eyes and stiffened in turn. _Barnes and Rogers_ , SHIELD’s infamous boy-band, were frozen in place behind the counter, looking at them with a very ‘deer in the headlights’ expression.

Tony blinked. His mind was racing, discarding one scenario after another. He had been AWOL for two days now, and there was no doubt SHIELD hadn’t linked his disappearance – and their latest technological mishaps – with A.I.M.’s resurgence. But with a bit of luck…

“Hi!” he greeted brightly, as if they all just hadn’t frozen like they had been caught in the weirdest, most embarrassing foursome ever – he would know; and worse, _Pepper_ would know. “I heard you had a special Valentine’s Day offer. Heart-shaped macaroon, was it?”

Loki huffed. “Don’t be daft.” His tone was almost _fond_. God, but Tony wanted to kiss him senseless. “It was a heart-shaped _pièce montée_. Well?” he demanded, “What are you waiting for?”

Finally, Barnes and Rogers came back to their senses and scrambled toward the back of the shop. Tony didn’t dare comment as the shop might be bugged, but he exchanged a long glance with Loki and hoped it conveyed the ‘ _don’t fuck this up_ ’ urgency he tried to transmit. Then, he teared himself off from where he still clung to Loki’s arm and went to peruse the goods on the counter.

If he used the delay to place his own bug inside the macaroon shop, well. It was the golden duo’s own fault for being such shitty agents.

When Barnes and Rogers came back, looking much more ruffled, they were carrying a three stages, heart-shaped, macaroon _pièce montée._ Tony gave it one cursory glance, ordered “we will take five”, and strolled out of the shop.

No one said he wasn’t petty. He was. _Very._

When Loki came out of the shop a few minutes after him, he plastered himself back to his side and proceeded to drag him far, far away from this cursed shop.

“And what, pray tell, are you going to do with _five_ cakes?”

His tone was amused, if a bit annoyed. Tony grinned winningly. “You can afford it.” He spied the next shop on their list – first level, starred restaurant – and asked, “All this talk of food, I’m starving! Let’s eat, shall we?”

Loki rolled his eyes. “That was the Winter Soldier.”

“Along with SHIELD’s golden boy. Don’t worry about them, they must have been sent on a long-term undercover mission. They won’t be a bother.”

With a bit of luck, his not so hidden obsession with tall, dark and handsome will allow them to escape suspicion. This is a perfectly normal date _that just so happen to take place in the mall where a major criminal is suspected to hold shop._ Nothing odd whatsoever. Barnes and Rogers could move on; they had much more tasty fishes to fry.

Who was he kidding? He was going to die. The real question was; who would kill him first? His bet was on Pepper. She wouldn’t have to deal with his messes anymore, it’s a very attractive motive for murder.

“Table for two,” Tony ordered the waitress. She nodded absently, did a double-take and ushered them toward the back of the restaurant. If this wasn’t such a high-end restaurant, Tony would bet their pictures would star in the tabloids by sunset. He _really_ wasn’t good at this discretion/undercover business. 

“So, what do you know about this restaurant?” Tony asked once they were sat in a secluded area and their orders had been taken. Not the kind of romantic first date dinner he had imagined – for one, it was lunch; for another, Loki probably still wanted to kill him – but it was better than nothing. At least, it was fun and interesting and they didn’t have to deal with awkward conversations.

Tony would count that as a win.

“It was created around five years ago, by Killian Aldrich. He was a nobody who became the chef of a starred restaurant overnight. At first, no one trusted him, and there was a lot of talk of foul play; but he has since proved himself to be up to the task and claimed a few stars of his own. His trade mark,” Loki added, inclining his head toward the opening doors of the kitchen, “is that the chef himself will serve his clients.”

Tony frowned, but he kept silent. As Loki had claimed, Killian Aldrich himself, owner and chef of a three stars restaurant, was bringing their dishes to the table. The man was tall and strong, his muscles prominent under his uniform and, Tony had to admit, classically handsome – the kind of man he might have brought to his bed for a night, once. Tony had never met him before, but there was _something_ about him…

He watched as the man smiled and made small talk about the food and whatnot, answering on auto-pilot whenever his input was needed, but he still couldn’t figure it out.

“I don’t like him,” he said to Loki once Aldrich had finally left.

“Neither do I. He talks too much,” Loki added with a pointed glare.

“Excuse _you,_ I’m a delight. You love it when I talk. I can see right through you. I _amuse_ you.”

Loki rolled his eyes, but didn’t protest. Tony smiled. Loki rolled his eyes, _again._ His smile widened.

“Anyway,” Loki said abruptly. “You asked me to help you identify well-known criminals. At most, he is a low-key crook who bought this restaurant through dubious means. He isn’t who you are looking for. End of the story.”

“Are you sure?” Tony frowned. “Because-”

“Do you want my expertise or not?”

Tony pouted, made a side-note to keep an eye on Aldrich once this whole mess was behind him and he was back with SHIELD – he hates being told ‘no’ – and dug into his plate.

Tony stuck his hands into his pockets. For all his misgivings about the owner, the food _had_ been great. And the conversation had been even better. Who knew that all Loki needed to open up was to talk about his kids?

Well, Tony did. _Obviously_.

But the point was, it had been great, and Tony was pretty sure Loki was starting to like him. Or maybe not “like” him, but appreciate? Tolerate?

Okay, so at least, Tony was pretty sure Loki didn’t want to kill him and use his guts to redecorate his living room anymore. Which is _definitely_ progress. Maybe, _just_ maybe, at the end of it all, Tony will be able to ask for a second date and not suffer a terrible, horrible death.

Just maybe.

Just in case, he would milk this situation for all its worth before it’s over. He latched onto Loki’s left arm and relished in the smirk it got him. “Last one is the high-end clothes shop, isn’t it?”

“Before we need to review our criteria, yes. Come on, it’s this way.”

“ _This_ is what they call designer clothes?” Tony asked with a sneer at the baggy lime green and sickly yellow dresses, showcased for the world to see. “It looks like someone barfed on a trash bag.”

Loki put a hand on his to steer him toward the entrance. Tony’s brain immediately short-circuited, and he let himself be pulled away. “There, there _dearest_. You must have at least one colleague you despise enough to buy one of these atrocities for.”

“Oh, yes! Pepper will hate it, this is excellent!”

“The famous Pepper. I thought you _liked_ her.”

Tony grinned at the side-eye Loki sent him – a man can dream. “Do I? _I_ think-”

He cut off suddenly when Loki’s hand tightened around his. Thankfully, the other man reacted quickly enough, and the pause went unnoticed.

“Please don’t. I know this face, and I don’t want to hear whatever comes next.” He turned them around and suddenly, they were face to face with a gorgeous goddess, golden hair cascading over her shoulders and down her back; big, green eyes surrounded by black kohl, and plushy red lips smiling invitingly. Perhaps a true indication of her beauty was that she was wearing one of her own horror creations, _and it suited her._

Tony hadn’t thought that possible.

Tony didn’t know her either, but Loki obviously did. And since he hadn’t greeted her in any way, Tony was going to classify her as _Bad News – Avoid at all costs._

“Do you carter to men? My friend here is looking for a suit, and he _loves_ the shade of green you work with.”

Her mouth formed a soft “oh”, and she smiled depreciatively. He ignored Loki’s hiss of outrage. “No, unfortunately, but I can give you the address of my sister. She specializes into… man’s wear.”

“If you don’t mind.” Tony waited patiently for her to grab a card on her counter and thanked her profusely when she came back. He gratefully let Loki steer them out of the store and waited until they had moved a few feet away before speaking again.

“Well, that wasn’t ominous at all.”

“Imbecile!” Loki hissed through his smile. It was impressive: anyone watching would believe it a sweet smile. Tony found it _fucking terrifying._ “ _This_ was Amora; a very, very talented thief. Incidentally, she is also reputed for having an army of men willing to fulfill any and all of her desires. You do _not_ want to be on her radar, and neither do I.”

Tony looked at him sharply. “You think she is our culprit.”

“She has the means to do it, and it would fit the M.O. She has disappeared from the crime scene, lately. Stealing that serum would be the perfect comeback, and I don’t doubt she would find many buyers.”

“SHIELD cannot act as long as we have no proof to our claim.”

“I won’t like what you are going to say next, will I.”

Tony offered him a small smile. Loki sighed, but signaled to go on. “Let’s come back tonight and search the shop. One night, and then we are done.”

“And I won’t have to see you again?” Loki asked wryly.

Tony ignored the way his heart _wrenched_ out of his ribcage. He compromised, “I won’t threaten you or your kids again, I swear.”

Loki looked at him stonily for a long time, and Tony was _sure_ he had noticed the holes he had left in that statement, but…

“Tonight then. Come by at 10.”

“It’s a date!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably obvious, but better safe than sorry. This is crack. I do NOT condone giving weapons to kids. Please don’t do that at home. Actually, don’t do any of what Loki and Tony are doing at home, ever. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Tony was about to ‘meet the family’. Was he anxious? No, not at all! Was he a terrible liar? Certainly not, just ask Pepper.

(Don’t.)

And anyway, he’s got this.

Bribery will get you everywhere. Especially with criminals.

He’s _got_ this.

“Are you going to ring the doorbell, mister?”

Tony whirled around – the screech was definitely coming from _inside_ the house – and came face to face with… empty air.

Nothing down either.

“Up above, jackass.”

“Fenrir!”

Tony looked up, and sure enough, the three monsters were perched in their tree. Jörmungandr, whose birthday had been a few days ago, was peering above the rail of the ‘treehouse’, barely tall enough to see. Fenrir was lying _on_ the roof of the hut, a shotgun between his hands and Hela, eldest and wisest soul of them all – from what Tony’s, erm, _careful observations_ had gathered – was standing on the balcony, looking mighty pissed.

It was a _huge_ treehouse.

“Well, mister, are you going to ring the doorbell?”

Fenrir pumped the shotgun back. If that weapon was a toy, it was a _very_ realistic one. “Don’t ring the doorbell, _mister_.”

“You’re Loki’s kids, right? He talks a lot about you.”

“He does?” Jörmungandr squealed happily.

“Of course he does! He is trying to manipulate you, to _tame_ you. Don’t let him win, Jör.”

“That’s not a very polite thing to say. _And_ , even if I was trying to manipulate you, you’d have better luck going with the flow and knifing me once I let down my guard. You will only make me try harder by opposing me so openly.”

“And what do you want with our dad?”

Tony looked at Hela warily. Fenrir might or might not be pointing a rifle at him, but it was Hela who had taken up Loki’s craft. _She_ was the most dangerous of the lot. He smiled disarmingly. “We have a date!”

“Please don’t lie to my kids.” Loki sighed from behind him. Tony could feel his smile soften and become more honest. Ugh, this was _disgusting._ Thank god Rhodey wasn’t there to see him, he already had more than enough ammunitions to tease him.

Fenrir shot. Jörmungandr shouted. Hela watched passively. Tony crouched. Loki stopped the ball before it reached _him,_ the asshole.

“I brought offerings?”

Loki rolled his eyes and grabbed his arm to drag him upright, before steering him toward his car. “Money is on the counter, call the pizzeria. Don’t get sick. Curfew is at eleven. Boys, listen to your sister.”

Tony twisted his arm free before Loki could shove him into the passenger seat – of his own car! – and liberated his bag of gifts from the trunk. He threw it on the lawn and hurried into his seat before Loki could leave without him. A few seconds later, they were torpedoing through the streets _way_ past the speed limit.

“Do I want to know what you gave to my kids?” Loki asked wryly.

Tony hummed and smiled lightly. “No, probably not.” With a bit of luck, Loki’s house wouldn’t be standing when they came back, in which case, Tony would have to humbly offer reparations by welcoming Loki, his adorable monster kids _and_ his weird but lovely army of minions in his home.

He _did_ give the best gifts. He just never said who they were best for.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Aren’t you meant to be the superspy?”

“Why, yes. But _you_ are the supervillain. Which means you know how other supervillain think. _Which means_ you are best suited to plan for this heist.”

“This is not a heist. If it were a heist, we would be stealing back that serum from Amora; but as it isn’t, since I am not a ‘supervillain’ anymore, we are merely looking for evidence for you to take to SHIELD. Which makes it _your_ job.”

“Yes, yes. Less chitchat and more heisting,” Tony said as JARVIS finally disabled the mall’s security system. He used another tool of his own invention – the Lock Opener, Keys Included, or L.O.K.I. for short – to crack the door open. Loki watched on with a raised eyebrow, but didn’t comment. It was a very judgmental eyebrow. Tony resisted the urge to defend himself.

“So, _when_ you were a supervillain, where would you have hidden the serum?”

“Definitely not in my high-end, designer clothes, cover shop. I would at least try to separate my respectable cover from my illegal activities,” Loki sneered. “But since we can’t all be smart, my second option would be to leave it in plain sight, and hide a suspicious but ultimately harmless object in a really impressive strongbox. Basic two-bit magician 101.”

“Create a diversion, so that you have the time to relocate the really important stuff.”

“Well, at least you’re not _that_ dumb.”

Tony smirked. They both knew he was much more than ‘not that dumb’. Loki might not like it, but he _was_ getting to know him. And Tony was irresistible. It was merely a matter of time before Loki fell into his arms.

Any other possibility was unthinkable.

“What is the most obvious cache you can think of?” Tony asked after they had finished breaking and entering – discreetly – into the shop.

“A three by five feet painting of you?” Loki asked dryly, nodding toward the glaring monstrosity sitting behind the counter. Tony joined him, half-amazed by the feeling of wrongness the painting broadcasted. He hadn’t known something could look more horrible than the dresses in this shop. Amora had a true talent.

“Who do you recon is the other woman? Her sister?”

“Probably. Who cares?” Loki groped around the edges of the frame. He grinned like a wolf. A swarm of angry bees invaded Tony’s stomach and threatened to come out of his mouth. A small _click_ was heard, and the painting shifted toward the left to reveal a safe.

Loki looked at him. Tony looked back. The angry bees became even more malevolent. Loki rolled his eyes and gestured toward the safe.

“Right. Right!” Tony got the L.O.K.I. out once again – you know which one – and proceeded to crack the safe open. In a matter of seconds, they were staring at the stolen serum that had terrorized all the soup letter agencies in the world.

“I believe this is proof enough for you?”

Tony nodded grimly and took his phone out. JARVIS would upload the pictures on Roger’s phone and SHIELD would proceed to an official arrest tomorrow. Amora would be put behind bars, the serum would go back to A.I.M., but not before passing through SHIELD labs. Tony would somehow find a way back into the agency and escape punishment and play a bit with the serum to turn it into something harmless.

Game over.

He glanced at his partner in crime. Maybe not game over just yet.

“It is. Can you…” He wiggled his fingers. “You know, booby-trap this? We wouldn’t want Amora escaping with the serum before we can arrest her.”

Tony watched as Loki did something, _somehow_ – god he wanted to study this so much! Finally, the samples glowed forest green before regaining their natural state.

“Come on, Houdini. I’ll drive you home.”

Tony cut off contact in front of Loki’s house. “It’s still standing.”

“Don’t sound so disappointed.”

Tony gulped. His Machiavellian plan hadn’t worked. There was but one solution.

“How about a date? You, me, diner?”

Loki glanced at him; eyes flinty. “I thought we were done.”

“We are done with this case, definitely. And I did promise not to threaten you or any of yours ever again. I keep my promises. I just thought we could go on a real date? Ditch the pretend dating and try out real, messy, awkward and _fun_ dating?”

“Stark.”

“Just kidding. Except if you’re gonna agree. Then I’m not kidding.”

Loki sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t date. I have _more than enough_ on my hands as is.” No, that sound definitely wasn’t that of his heart breaking. “But. It was fun. I might miss crime more than I wish to admit.”

Tony tried for a smile. He knew he succeeded; his masks were perfect. A lifetime of growing and evolving in the spotlight will do that to you. “I think my civic duty is to tell you ‘don’t’. But as a fan, let me tell you, _please do._ ”

Loki laughed. Light, almost hidden under his breath, but _real_. It was the first time Tony made him laugh, and he couldn’t even properly enjoy it. “I’ll think about it, Stark.”

Then he left the car and entered his house without looking behind him.

It wasn’t the sound of his heart breaking; it was the sound of someone squashing the leftover pieces of his heart.

Tony took a few seconds to calm his breathing, and drove away, to his magnificent villa in the heart of New York, lonely and cold.

“I’m _fine_ , Pepper. I swear!” Tony swirled on his chair to avoid looking at her. Of all people, he never was able to fool her. That’s what made her such a great friend. But right now, it also made her _fucking annoying._ He would like to enjoy denial a little bit longer, thank you very much.

“Tony. Tony!” she exclaimed as she gripped his chair, blocking any possible escape. “You were just rejected by Loki Laufeyson. You have been _obsessed_ with the guy for years. _And_ I could hear you getting dressed-down by Fury from three floors down.” She took a deep breath. When she continued, her voice was softer. Kinder. “I know what he asked of you.”

“Well then, what does it matter! Loki rejected me and Fury forbade me from ever _seeing_ him again, ‘or else’. We both know what his ‘or else’s mean.” He sighed. “Honestly, I feel like the whole universe is trying to make sure the point got across.”

Pepper stood up, hands firm on her hips. When she spoke, her voice was ice cold with restrained fury. “Anthony Edward Stark, I know for a fact that your father didn’t raise a quitter. So you will get out of your funk, and then you’ll invite me to dine out tonight. You will sleep on it. And tomorrow, you will take the world by storm, because you’ve never taken a beating lying down quietly. I do _not_ want a repeat of Central Park.”

Tony winced. They _never_ talked about Central Park. “But Pep, he said _no_. I might come up a bit strong, but even I know to respect a no.”

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that while you’ve known the guy for over two years, Loki didn’t even know you existed 48h ago. Try to get to know him. Become his friend. Build something that lasts. Maybe he will want more, maybe _you_ will change your mind. Who knows? Don’t start giving up now.”

Tony opened his mouth to protest, but Pepper cut him off again. “And no more stalking. That’s not ‘coming up strong’, it’s being creepy. I’m serious, Tony.”

Tony pinched his lips and swirled on his chair toward his computer. A few strokes of keys, two commands to the central terminal of the building and three orders to JARVIS later, it was done. He sprayed his hands and looked at Pepper apologetically. “Oops. I meant to delete the files on my computer, but I seem to have deleted _all files_ on Loki Laufeyson. It’s a terrible mistake. Truly, I feel most guilty.”

“Good.” She nodded once and smiled sweetly at him. It transformed her entire being. “Now, what do you say, Mr. Stark?”

Tony smiled back, still shaky, but real. “Do you want to get dinner tonight, Miss Potts?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amora Incantare is one of her aliases in the comics, as is Ikol for Loki.
> 
> I don't like this chapter all that much, but oh well. Next chapter is gonna be awesome 😁
> 
> Enjoy!

“Did you hear the latest news?” Pepper asked airily over their plates of Spaghetti Bolognese. It might or might not have been the restaurant Tony had planned to bring Loki to. He might or might not be over it yet. Pepper might or might not be kind enough to ignore it. For now.

“Barnes and Rogers finally got their heads out of their asses?” Pepper snorted. Tony gasped. _So undignified!_

“Of a sort. Apparently, they had decided to take a crook called Killian Aldrich in for questioning – I had seen him in A.I.M.’s offices a few times in passing – but a few hours before they had meant to proceed with the arrest, they received anonymous photos compromising _another_ shopkeeper. Someone called Amora Incantare.”

“They arrested her?” His heart stuttered. He had a bad feeling. “Wait, did you say Killian Aldrich? Do you know why they settled on him?”

Pepper waved her fork dismissively. “Mostly, it was based on Barnes’ gut feeling and my reports. They didn’t have any tangible proof, even after searching his restaurant. Yours was much more incriminating, so yes, they arrested her.”

“Mine? No, definitely not me.”

He wasn’t fooling anyone, but as long as he admitted nothing, they couldn’t actually punish him for interfering with an open investigation. He might have blown this undercover business, but he did know how to cover his traces. He _was_ the best SHIELD have.

“Steve is pretty pissed at you by the way.”

“Oh dear. And what new manner of beast has crawled inside his golden ass, now?”

Pepper frowned reproachfully. “You should at least try being cordial. He might surprise you.”

“Come on Peps, you know me. I don’t do cordial. Actually, I don’t do middle ground, ever. And you said it yourself: we are complete opposites. There is _no_ middle ground for us.”

Pepper put her fork down and dabbed her mouth daintily. “One day at a time, I suppose. You owe me a dessert,” she added lightly. She got up, kissed his cheek and sashayed out of the restaurant.

Tony was still wondering what the hell just happened when someone slid into her chair.

“This was the famous Pepper Potts, I presume?”

“Loki?” Tony wondered, half-scared that he was hallucinating. “What are you doing here?”

“I had business in the neighborhood.” Tony raised a mocking eyebrow. “I did. I have a potential buyer just around the corner.”

“ _Right_. You are trying to get into the jam business. How is it going for you?” Friendly, _normal_ conversation. He’d got that.

_Boring._

“Quite fine, thank you. We are still perfecting the recipe.”

Loki was sitting straight in the chair, ready to bolt. This normal thing _so_ wasn’t working. It was awkward and uncomfortable; nothing like the easy banter they had shared during their investigation.

They exchanged a loaded glance, both knowing the situation wasn’t sustainable. Pepper meant well, but it just wasn’t _them._

Loki broke first.

“I might have asked Ikol to follow you around,” Loki admitted in a rush. It was probably worrying that Tony found it sweet, but then again, he was the guy who stalked his crush. His standards were a bit screwed.

“Ikol?” Suddenly, one of the green shapeless _things_ appeared from under the table. Tony had no idea how or when it got there. He squealed in delight as it – _Ikol_ – tangled amorously around his leg. Loki looked mortified.

“What _are_ they?” Tony breathed in wonder.

“They are a physical manifestation of my seidr. They are autonomous entities, with their own thought processes and desires and in some respects, you could even say they have their own personality – maybe one equivalent to that of a five years old child. But more often, their desires and their drive reflect that of their creator.” Loki hummed pensively. “I believe their closest likeness would be your JARVIS.”

“Excuse you, JARVIS is much more mature than-” he cut off. Cold dread filled his belly. “How do you know about JARVIS.”

“You’re not the only one capable of spying, Stark. Did you truly think I would let you threaten me and not investigate the security breech?”

Tony winced. “Sorry.”

“I discovered a few curious oddities, you know. Misleading information in SHIELD files or even missing outright. Blind spots around the house. Camera looking the other way autonomously whenever a member of my household gets out. Your machine is very smart, and oddly protective of us.”

Tony shrugged and laid back into his chair. Loki was fishing, and he couldn’t be more obvious about it. Tony refused to give him the satisfaction. “An error in his coding, I’m sure. Thanks for pointing it out, I’ll take care of it.”

Loki grabbed one of his hands. “Please don’t say that. I might have needed a ‘kick in the butt’ or ten, but I’m there now. You are fun, smart, loyal and incredibly devoted to my family. I would be a fool to not at least give it a try.”

Tony gulped. “You don’t need to do that, you know. I won’t stop protecting you just because I got rejected. Your kids don’t deserve the mess SHIELD would bring on your doorstep.”

“But I do?” Loki grinned wryly.

“You are more than capable of taking care of them and you know it.”

Loki’s lips shifted into a soft smile, and Tony couldn’t help but answer in kind. As much as he wished he could claim otherwise, he wasn’t over the bastard. The rabbit running behind his ribcage could attest to _that_.

“Well, I did promise you dinner, didn’t I?” Tony said, spreading his hand to show the restaurant. “Though I’m afraid we’ll have to restrain ourselves to dessert.”

And finally, _finally_ Loki relaxed and stopped looking like he might bolt at any moment. “That’s fine, I’m sure we can work ourselves up to a full course one day.”

The first few minutes the conversation was stilted, like they had forgotten how to interact with one another. Words were spoken and sentences were exchanged, but it wasn’t _fluid._ When the waiter brought their dessert orders – or Pepper’s, in Loki’s case – Tony decided to throw himself in the shark tank. They couldn’t ignore what had happened forever.

“So. A ‘ _kick in the butt_ ’?”

“My kids loved their presents.” Loki shuddered. “Please don’t do it again, _ever._ ”

Tony opened his mouth to _ask_ , but Loki cut him off before he could utter the first word. “We are _not_ talking about it.”

“Aw, come on. I need to know!”

And just like that, they were back on stable ground, Tony wheedling for information, Loki holding firm and pretending to be annoyed when Tony could _see_ the amused curl to his lips and the fond glint in his eyes. But this time it was even better, because Ikol was rubbing against his legs like a big shapeless cat – Loki’s words still rang in his ears ‘ _their desires and their drive reflect that of their creator_ ’ – his heart was racing with joy and excitement, and for the first time they were both smiling and laughing, completely honest in their intentions with each other.

It was good. It felt like a second chance, and Tony didn’t intend to let it go to waste.

Which was why, _of course_ , he had to get kidnapped less than three hours later. God forbid he got a break once in a while!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely my favorite chapter so far! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Kidnappings, Tony knew, and Tony knew well. It had been an unfortunate side-effect of growing up as a Stark, and later on, of joining the super-secret club his Da created (A.K.A. SHIELD.)

However.

This was probably the first time his kidnappers were so sloppy. Seriously, he hadn’t known people could be so _incompetent._ It was shameful. He was feeling second-hand embarrassment for his captors.

Not that it will spare them the fiery death Tony is already concocting for them. No, if anything, he was going out of his way to make it _worse_.

“Ski masks?” Tony asked incredulously – he wasn’t even faking it. “This is _so_ last-generation. If you had done your homework, you would know that I can still see your eyes, your mouth and your teeth. _And_ the shape of your nose. Obviously. You do know that those are the key features to identification, right?”

First step, of course, was annoying them into an early grave.

The tall, muscled figure who Tony strongly suspected was Killian _fucking_ Aldrich put his head between his hands and let out a string of curses. The smaller figure – feminine, small nose, plush lips and perfect white teeth, lime green eyes and long strands of red hair slipping out of her mask; _sloppy, sloppy, sloppy_ – threw her hands up in the air and departed the room through a – badly – hidden door.

And then there was one.

Seriously, this was so easy it wasn’t even funny.

Who was he kidding? He was having the time of his life. Or would be, if he hadn’t been _bloody kidnapped._

“And while I deeply appreciate the money and time invested in the interior design-” Lie. “-acid rivers, while impressive, aren’t actually all that great. You won’t feel the effects immediately, but the fumes are _really_ hurting your body. And since one can easily avoid falling into them, they often hurt you more than they hurt your enemies.”

Aldrich had started to grip his hair through the mask, and Tony fancied he could hear his teeth grinding from where he sat.

_Good._

“Although, I do have to commend you on the care you offer your prisoners. Suspended metal cages might not be very original, but since the acid fumes tend to stay close to the ground, they are actually a pretty great idea. That was considerate, thank you.”

His captor sent him a fierce glare. _Bloodshot eyes, check._

“You might want to review your design. Steel is particularly vulnerable to acid, and the bars are _thinner_ than the bottom of the cage. Just saying.”

“Will you _shut up!_ ” Aldrich screamed from the bottom of his lungs.

“Whoa, your vocal range is impressive! You should have tried a career in the opera, you would have had more success than-”

“Enough!”

“That’s it, deep breaths. In. 1-2-3-4. Out. You should be more careful, such strenuous activities really can’t be good for your heart rate.”

Aldrich stormed out of the room, his yell of frustration ringing out even in his absence. Ah, sweet melody.

Well, that’s not that his amenities aren’t comfortable, but he has already spent too much time in this shithole. Thankfully, the wonder duo had conducted a terrible search – incompetents – and he still had a few gadgets on him.

Yes, _a few_. He had mentioned they were incompetents, hadn’t he?

They even left him his bloody _watch_.

Morons.

He undoes the back cover of the watch and engages the hidden button. The Localization Operating and Killing of Interferences – or L.O… what, a man had a right to his muse! – program now activated, JARVIS would find him soon enough. He had about, oh, 45 minutes to take over this awful secret lair.

Game on.

Had Tony already said their secret lair was lame?

Turns out, the acid river was only the beginning. There is _everything_ a secret lair can wish for – way too easy riddles to solve for the hero, piranhas, axes hidden in the walls, crocodiles, giant holes in the ground, a sheep, arrows shooting at you from seemingly nowhere… _everything._

“You guys have heard of trying too hard, right?” Tony asked as he finally entered the _throne room._ And no, for once he isn’t exaggerating, there is a _throne_ in there. With Aldrich’s arse sitting on it. And yep, that was definitely Aldrich Killian – that dumbass had removed his mask.

“You!”

“Me!” Tony answered, in an equally scandalized tone. “I’m serious. That’s some great decorations out there, but people are going to think you’re trying to compensate for something.”

“How did you get out?!” That was the woman. Like Aldrich, she had left her mask aside. The shape of her face…

“Aren’t you Amora’s sister?”

“You little…!” She threw a spell at him and nearly caught him by surprise. Thankfully, he had trained enough at SHIELD on the off-chance he would ever face Loki, and it merely caught the hem of his shirt. He saw it sparkle forest green and bubble pink, like two spells fighting for dominion, before it subsided. There was a second of shocked calm, before Tony’s wit kicked back into action. He threw himself to the side, behind one of the convenient – for him – pillars that circled the throne.

Magic had _not_ been part of the plan.

He still had his watch, and his pick-L.O.K.I. (to pick locks. You _know_ which one) but nothing that would help him in a fight against a sorcerer.

He had done worse with less.

(In theory. In practice, _Rhodey_ had done worse with less, but Tony had been guiding him from behind the computer, so that had to count, right? Right.)

He’d got this.

He listened, but both the sorceress and Aldrich had quieted. Silence reigned. Knowing how cliché these two were, he’d bet they were about to circle the pillar from both ends. But from the position of the throne, maybe he could…

Tony jumped right and nearly ran into Aldrich. He grabbed him by the shoulders and used the momentum to get behind him, just as another pink spell crackled in the air. But rather than hitting its intended target – him – it hit the sudden obstacle – Aldrich – square in the chest. The villain slowly turned to stone between his hands, and Tony hurried to release him before his fingers got trapped.

He willfully ignored the way the mix of rock and skin had heated in the few seconds he had been holding him. The shudders that crawled down his spine told him the sorceress might not have been the most dangerous enemy.

“Anyone ever told you Amora is the better-looking sister?”

“You have no right to speak her name!”

Tony took several steps back toward the exit, his gaze never leaving the threat out of sight. “What are you angry about? I helped you out by taking down a potential rival!” Duck. “You should try it out: mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

He didn’t wait for an answer; the resounding growl was more than enough. Tony turned around and ran all the way back, ducking under both spells and arrows, avoiding holes and stopping short of being beheaded. Unfortunately, so did the witch – it would have saved him the hassle.

Finally, he was back where he had started. He looked around. The acid river still bubbled happily, cutting the room in half and blocking any hope of exit from the main entrance – _not_ the hidden door – and the metal cage swung slowly from the end of its chain, intact save from the broken lock. Too high to be of any use. Which left…

He turned back toward the sorceress, hands up in the air in a universal sign of peace. “Alright, alright. You got me. Let’s have at it: why am I here?”

Predictably, the witch stopped straight in her tracks. Villains were a _sucker_ for a chance to explain their Machiavellian plans. “You _dare_ ask? When you were the one responsible for my sister’s demise?”

“Nope, wasn’t me! You definitely got the wrong person.” He dropped his hands to his chest, palms still turned outward. “Now that this terrible misunderstanding has been cleared, can you let me go? As a sign of good faith, I’ll even give you the names of the people responsible for her arrest. Barnes will _love_ a chance to-”

“Do you think me a fool?” she shrieked. “When my sister had warned me that Loki Laufeyson himself visited her shop escorted by a man, we were immediately on our guard. And when after her arrest I discovered her shop _stank_ from his seidr… Tell me, spy, who do you think told us where to find you?”

Tony felt his whole body grow cold. Loki had never said _what_ kind of business he had attended previous to meeting him in the restaurant, had he? Maybe he never had… Maybe he just used…

_Later._

“Yes!” she hissed with delight. “You know, don’t you? How he betrayed you, sold you out to the first bidder!”

He stumbled back; the blow might have been physical for the pain it brought him. He tried to ignore the pang of hurt and rage that echoed through his chest and pierced his heart. He was Tony Stark; he _didn’t_ have a heart. “Then you probably know your sister gave you away as well? She sold you out for a lighter sentence. She even revealed the existence of this lair. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole place was soon swarming with government officials.”

“You lie!”

“Do I? Do you truly want to test this out?”

The witch yelled indiscriminately and threw another spell; this time, there was nothing to stop it from reaching Tony. He crossed his arms in front of him, trying to protect himself as much as he could. Despite the pink glare he noticed a shard of the spell bouncing on the metal of his watch, reflected toward the cage hanging above his head and – _yes, the angle had been correct!_ – being reflected back to the caster; hopefully to-

The rest of the spell reached him, and Tony plunged deep into a world of pain.


	7. Chapter 7

“Well? What happens next?”

“Fenrir, let him finish!” Hela admonishes at the same time Jörmungandr hushes him.

Tony waits a few seconds to make sure everyone’s attention is on him. He can hear Loki busying himself in the kitchen – the little monsters are famished – and he smiles, soft and sweet, for this is a moment straight from his dreams. Hela and Fenrir are sharing a couch, Jör sitting on the floor next to their legs, all three listening avidly to his story while Loki is preparing their dinner – along with a long list of instructions. As soon as he is done, Tony is taking him out for their – long awaited – full-course dinner.

A dream come true.

Meanwhile, the silence _also_ has come true, and Tony hurries to comply before the chatter starts anew.

“So I’m stuck between the sorceress and a bubbling river of acid, right?” He leans forward; his voice is soft but weighted and the kids are looking at him with huge eyes, enthralled. “A spell is coming my way, and while I was able to bounce part of it back to her, the rest hits me square in the chest! It hurts so much that I forget how to breathe. I am screaming at the top of my lungs and…”

… And suddenly, nothing.

No, ‘nothing’ wasn’t quite true, as Tony could still observe pink sparkles tainted green run on his skin. But the pain has all but disappeared, save for the aftershocks coursing through his nerves, and he could still _move,_ which is much more than the witch could say.

Apparently, turning people to stone was a specialty of hers.

Tony looked at her – still a pretty statue – then looked around – still an ugly lair.

He went back to the throne room; 45 minutes had come and gone, and JARVIS had the time to receive his location before he used his watch as a mirror. Rescue must be on the way. Then…

Then he would deal with Loki.

“What did you want to do with our dad?”

“Oh, _unspeakable_ things _._ ”

“Yuck!” Hela cringes, at the same time as a thundering _Stark!_ rings out from the kitchen. Tony laughs.

“Alright, alright. So I’m sitting on this fucking overgrown chair, all regal-like-”

“Dad, dad! Tony used a bad word.”

“Come _on,_ Jör! Let him finish.”

“-and guess who crashes through the wall, full-on avenging angel and righteous fury?”

Loki effing Laufeyson, that’s who.

Tony inspected his nails a few seconds longer, happy to let the traitor take stock of the situation. Finally, Loki’s hands, forest green and spell-ready – and isn’t that interesting – hesitantly fall to his sides.

“Late to the party, my dear.”

“Tony!” Loki exclaims with relief. He offers him a wry smile. “I should have known you’d be all right.”

“Through no fault of your own, I’m sure.”

Loki winced. “Ah. You know, then?”

“Yep,” Tony answered, making the ‘p’ pop. “They were _awfully_ chatty.”

“I can-”

“Explain? I hope so. Tell me again, what was your ‘business meeting’ about, before our date?” He waited until Loki looked about to answer to continue, “And for that matter, was our _date_ merely a convenient prelude to my kidnapping?”

“No!” Loki blurted out before Tony could go on. “No, I swear I-”

“Or was it just an excuse for that protection spell you cast? When did you do it, by the way? When you kissed me?” Granted, it had been on the cheek, but Tony had been so distracted, he probably couldn’t have noticed anything else that was happening.

“Actually, that was when…” Loki trailed off, eyes rounding up in shock. “You know of that as well?”

“Stark, my voice never was so shrill.”

“Oh, it _definitely_ was. Right kiddos?” Tony asks his audience with a wink and smiles proudly as Jör badly hides a laugh behind his hands. Fenrir and Hela merely roll their eyes, but Tony knows they are amused. He is onto them.

“Get on with it, old man.”

Tony settled back into the throne, gesturing to Loki to start talking. He learned how, the morning after their heist, Lorelei – the sorceress, Amora’s sister – tried to corner Loki in his home as Tony had, but instead fell into one of his many traps. It did not stop her from threatening him, both for her freedom and that of her sister, and Loki wasn’t going to let it stand.

After all, he had explained, they had made a bargain, and it seemed their mission wasn’t finished just yet.

He accepted to meet with her boss before releasing her and sent Ikol after Tony to keep an eye on him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, yadda yadda, and Loki had realized he was madly in love with him.

“Merely curious,” Loki interjects smoothly, exiting the kitchen to sit on the sofa next to his daughter. “Infatuated, at best.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, _love_.”

Fenrir pulls a face and says, tone dripping with disgust, “Seriously. Pass up the boring sh- stuff and _get on_ with it _._ I’m hungry.”

Tony takse it for the order it is. That they might both have very different definitions of what is boring and what isn’t is something Fenrir should have thought of before making his request.

Fast forward to the meeting, Loki discovered that Tony had been fucking _right_ all along and Aldrich Killian was the one responsible for the serum disappearance, the two sisters being little more than the tools he used to acquire it.

They exchanged a few pleasantries and Loki helped them devise a plan that would use Tony as a bargaining chip for Amora’s freedom. Loki himself was responsible for distracting Tony long enough for Lorelei to cast a sleeping charm on him.

_Obviously,_ it worked. A bit too well, in his opinion; Lorelei’s magic felt slippery and disgusting.

For record’s sake, the protection spell had been placed on him when Loki took his hand at the beginning of the meal. The goodnight kiss had been purely for pleasure’s sake.

“No, that had been my distraction tactic.”

_Pleasure’s sake_. Because by then, Loki was already madly in love with him.

Ikol had been tasked with tracking him to the villains’ lair, so that Loki could stage a heroic rescue and save Tony like the damsel in distress he _isn’t._ Which is fortunate, because Lorelei caught the sneak before they reached their hideout, and Tony had to save himself.

Fortunately for him, Tony believed in actions _and_ intentions. So when Loki finished his tale, looking a bit winded and afraid of his reaction, Tony got up from his throne and stalked toward his green knight. Before the man could react, he looped his hands behind his neck and _smooched_ their lips together. The kiss didn’t remain chaste for long, and soon he was biting his lips, forcing them open with his tongue and-

“Mhhhh!” Tony complains, his lips suddenly glued together. He takes one glance at the scandalized, _horrified_ look on the three monsters’ faces, and doubles over in silent guffaws.

Worth it.

He regains his calm while Loki quietly instructs his children on dinner and curfew. Finally, Loki releases his spell, amusement shining through his eyes.

“Ready to go?”

“Whisk me away, Prince Charming!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! My first multi-chapter fic completed. I hope you enjoyed it - I know I had a lot of fun writing it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Comments are love <3


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